All through the night

There is so much I want to say —so much I need to write— but I am drained. I have no energy or will by the time I’ve put my son to bed at the end of the day. Our days are so full of struggle lately that I can’t see past it. My thoughts are a jumble; by the time I can sit down to write, the words are gone. I am left with emotional detritus so heavy it causes me to bend beneath its weight. Some days I fear I will actually break.

I stand over his crib and watch him sleeping; the peace and calm which fills his little body is so alien to the fierce and wild energy which drives him through the day. In the darkness, there is no struggle between us, no battle of wills or communication barriers to be broken down. There are no raised voices or tears (mostly mine lately), no moments of panic over keeping him safe from some unintended injury caused by his rampant curiosity or unbridled energy which makes him act before sensing danger.

In the darkness, I weep silent tears of love tinged with a grief so deep that it makes my bones ache. I long to fold myself into his crib to wrap my body around his, to shelter him in my arms and will him to know and understand how deeply I love him and how proud I am. It is in those quiet moments that I remind myself of just how far my child has come; I make lists in the moonlight, telling God and the angels watching over my son all about his skills and talents, all about what a good and sweet and loving child he is. He has come so far in his six years, defying odds which many could not. His fierceness enables him to thrive against those odds, yet it is the very thing I wish to tame on so many occasions. The irony is not lost on me; it burns in my throat on those days I am unable to tamp down my anger or frustration.

Nik snuffles and shifts in his sleep as if he is aware of my presence. I wrap his innocence around me like a downy blanket to soothe the ache out of my weary bones.

Giving thanks for what we have

I thought I would take advantage of a few minutes of quiet in the house —before Hurricane Nik wakes to take over the house take on the day— to write a heart-filled post to tell all of you, my readers and friends, how much I appreciate you and how much I love this life, no matter how crazy and stressful it gets. (Believe me when I say it has been stressful recently;  I’m still struggling to find the words to do it justice.)

In the early morning quiet, I thought of some other families I know of who have been struggling with bigger, scarier, more stressful things than we have and I said a prayer for them.  Anissa Mayhew’s family has been on  my mind a lot in spite of the fact that I don’t know them and have never even met Anissa before.  I hadn’t read the latest update on her condition so I popped over to her blog to see what the news is.  I was moved to tears by the words of her husband, the love and faith and courage in the face of what could break so many others.

I am filled with gratitude for the knowledge that there is always hope.  And I am reminded that we all walk in shadows sometimes.  It is how we find our way back to the light that matters most.

A wonderful friend, someone I’ve not yet met IRL (“in real life”) knew I had been struggling —hard— with some recent developments with Nik (he’s healthy, fear not!) and sent me the most wonderful care package full of caffeinated chocolate love and books —and a message of encouragement which I want to share:

PEACE

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of things and still be calm in your heart.

Today, I do feel peaceful.

I wish you, dear friends, dear readers, peace. Today and every day.

Pray for Anissa

Please add your voice in prayer, your heart in hope, and your spirit in asking for healing for Anissa and her family.

 

Time waits for no one

…especially not for me this last week.  Nik has still been a bit under the weather; we finally got out of the house over the weekend. Whew.  For some reason, though, my timing with everything has been a bit wonky this week.

For example, last night I had the best of intentions of making homemade pasta sauce; it’s been a while and it felt like a fairly simple thing to do to set a pot going on the stove while I got Nik’s dinner ready.  To make a long story short, the time got away from me and the next thing I knew I had nothing for dinner! ACK!

Enter leftovers, stage left!  I had just enough of the homemade sweet and sour pork I’d made several days ago to substitute. Whew!  Dinner turned out just fine thanks to my husband’s amazing ability to reheat leftovers and make some rice while I fed our hungry bear boy. 

 The recipe is over at the new group food blog, (Never) Too Many Cooks. Go take a peek!  In fact, if you have any recipes you’d like to share, we’d love to have you as a guest blogger.  There’s information in the sidebar of NTMC on how you can showcase your culinary prowess… or just your favorite recipe. *wink*

Going bananas

Image Courtesy of Church of the Banana (http://www.churchofthebanana.com)

It’s been a really crazy time around here.  I already whined about last week here.  Turns out the weekend did not bring good health to my little one.  Monday had us back at the pediatrician’s for what we suspected was —and turned out to be —an ear infection.  And bronchitis.  So, Nik’s back on antibiotics and nebulizers, more advil, cough meds and decongestants, and we’re canceling appointments right and left.

The one appointment we kept was with the developmental pediatrician.  Despite Nik’s less than stellar health, I think the doctor got a pretty good sense of how he is on a day-to-day basis.  This was our first time seeing this doctor professionally; I’ve known her for a couple of years since we served on one of the Governor’s councils together.  We had seen her partner twice before and just didn’t get the warm fuzzies we needed.  We’re glad we made the change.

Even more glad that we kept the appointment; the wait list for established patients is already in the six to seven month range.  Feh, what can I say?  They are the only game in town —in the state, actually.

We discussed Nik’s latest diagnosis —ADHD — and how it fits with his other issues, and how best to handle it right now.  Meds were discussed, educational options, increased speech therapy, behavioral supports at home, even more evaluations.  It runs the gamut.  Right now we’re sitting with the information we discussed today and will wait for the doctor’s written report and observations before we decide anything.  Once we’ve got some sense of options and what’s right for Nik and for our family, I’ll share more.

Today, I’m over at (Never) Too Many Cooks sharing my GF, allergy-friendly banana bread recipe.  It’’s so easy even a, well, monkey could make it.  Swing on over for a taste!

What she said

Because, really, I wish I could say this half as eloquently as Jess did… just go here and read her moving tribute to our veterans.

With gratitude for those who serve or did serve in our armed forces.

War Memorial (photo by Luigi Clemente)

Our week in review

Monday: Nik got a new diagnosis which we are still processing and will be discussing plans with the doctor if/when we see her on Tuesday.  Nik choked on a magnet and I performed the Heimlich on him.  Nik fell off the window sill and smacked his chin pretty hard.

Tuesday is a blur. 

Wednesday:  Nik was a tad “off” and felt like he might be running a fever.  He developed a slight cough and a bit of laryngitis.

Thursday: Nik woke with a fever, runny nose and cough.  Laryngitis was worse.  We took a trip to the pediatrician (not our regular, beloved Doctor Mary) to discover that Nik is sick.  Well, thank you very much for that stellar diagnosis.  Too soon to tell whether it’s flu or cold.  Or both.  But he did get his H1N1 vaccine since his fever wasn’t in evidence at the time.

More of the same fever and coughing ensued throughout the rest of the day and night.  Very little sleep was had by a stuffy, coughing cranky boy. Or his mama.

Today, Friday:  More of the same only wider swings of the pendulum. Higher highs for short spikes followed by long periods of near-normal temps.  Gotta love the wonders of Advil, Sudafed PE and Delsym.  The appetite, though?  Fuggedaboudit!  If it wasn’t slushy or thin liquid, Nik had no interest.

By dinner time, my boy was sporting oozing green and gunky eyes, too.  A call to the on-call doctor confirmed my fears: pink eye in both eyes! UGH.  Apparently, this was enough to push Nik over the edge, too.  He hit the wall hard and fast after dinner and just crumpled into a sobbing heap on the sofa at 6:30 —while I was at the pharmacy picking up his antibiotic eye drops.  His fever spiked again to 102.3F  Better than last night but still not encouraging.  The only saving grace (knock on wood!) is that his chest still sounds pretty good; all the goopyness is in his head.

Thank goodness for the weekend and a chance to lay low and, hopefully, regroup and recuperate.  Wishing you and yours a good weekend.

Something fishy

…is cooking over at (Never) Too Many Cooks!  I hope you’ll stop by for a bite.

Meanwhile, life has been gathering speed like a greased pig on a sliding board.  Yeah, you know, like those long spiral water slides with blind hairpin turns? Uh huh.  Some of it’s just the daily routine with Nik —all the appointments for all the therapies and such.  Some of it is definitely not routine.

This week, thus far, has included me having to use the Heimlich on Nik, Nik falling off a window sill and smacking his chin, and the addition of a new diagnosis for Nik.  And that was just Monday!

There are lots of posts brewing in my head but nothing seems to be making it onto the actual screen to share; sorry, some weeks are just like that I guess.  Thoughts of new diagnoses, new medications, dietary changes, behavior issues, remodeling part of the house (for Nik!), H1N1 precautions in the face of no available vaccines, language and communication hurdles, feeding issues and an upcoming visit to the developmental pediatrician.

Eventually it’ll all make its way to a post —or three or four.

For now, I’ll leave you with my thoughts on Murphy.  You know, the law guy?  He’s a sadist.  Just when Nik finally sleeps through the night AND sleeps late the next day, I allowed myself to get lulled into a false sense of security and stayed up way.too.late.  I figured, “Ooh, he’ll sleep late again; I can stay up past ONE A.M.!”  (Yes, color me idiotic; you know where this is going, right?)  Well, Nik did sleep through the night but he was up at 5:30 today.

Pardon me; I need to go make some more coffee.

Stirring and stirring and stirring my brew…

"Stirring and stirring and stirring my brew...ooh!" (Image courtesy of scubagrl.net)

Today, I’m busy over at (Never) Too Many Cooks, stirring the pot and cooking up some fun with my inaugural post. Stop by and find out what’s cooking!

A new mantra

When we let go of hope, fear wins. 

I’m holding on tight; sometimes it feels like it’s a close race.

That’s all.