“…he’s going to need to know how to get through those situations on his own—without becoming aggressive and without dissolving into a puddle on the floor—because there won’t always be someone else present who knows how to ease his way, who knows how to redirect, change gears, and smooth things over.
…But it does remind me that very often, the true solution lies within. It’s not about taking on the world on behalf of the boy, it’s about taking on the boy and teaching him to find his own way in the world.”
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I’m sure Kristen over at From Here to There and Back was thinking of a slightly different context when she wrote this yesterday. Still, it’s been ringing in my head all day long.
Today we had an eye-opening session with Nik’s behavioral psychologist, Dr. S. She’s been invaluable to us as we’ve dealt with various feeding-related issues — Nik’s eating, he’s not eating, he’s eating again, he’s not eating, it’s sensory, it’s behavioral, no it’s sensory…you get the idea. In addition, as we are gearing up for the summer session at school and Nik’s IEP (which won’t happen until the district’s autism program evaluation is completed – hopefully by mid-June), we are very aware of some new behaviors that Nik is exhibiting which cause some trouble both at home and school. Specifically, tantrums when he encounters unmet expectations (whether a toy malfunctions or he expects to go in Mom’s car and we go in Dad’s, etc.), difficulty with transitions of all kinds (nothing surprising there, eh?), and the physical manifestations of those things.
We went to see Dr. S. to get some guidance on these things so we could have a greater measure of consistency between home and school; thus far, school seems to be waiting to follow our lead about what to do and how to handle certain situations. It turned out to be a much richer appointment than that. We came home with a feeling of tremendous support and partnership in helping us work with the school on a number of fronts. Such a wonderful — and RARE— feeling! We are working on some specific plans for a more focused feeding program at school, some specific plans for home around behaviors, and looking at how best to frame our arguments for a one-on-one paraprofessional for Nik beginning as soon as possible (but not later than the start of the school year in September).
Even so, it was a bit surprising when Dr. S. began to talk to us about her thoughts and observations of how we interact with Nik during his tantrums (which she got to witness first-hand today). The bottom line is that she told us we need to be much firmer with him and, unless he is in danger of hurting himself, let him wear himself out with the tantrum and start putting him in a safe time-out place. (That’s going to take some creativity!) I think we’ve become so tuned in to Nik’s nuances that we (I especially) have gotten adept at figuring out how to diffuse the situation before it escalates. However, I am thinking now that perhaps that’s not always in Nik’s best interest. In doing the things we do, which are loving and supportive no doubt, we may be reinforcing not only the behavior itself but sending a message that expressing his feelings of frustration (outrage?) is not as important as “getting a hold of himself” in order to accomplish…well, whatever it is in the moment. Sometimes that is correct. Often, though, it’s not the message we want to send and may, in fact, be disrespectful in some ways (my thoughts, not Dr. S’).
But what’s been rattling around in my head since we came home tonight is the larger issue of discipline for kids with special needs. Not just autism and any other conditions which may have a stronger behavioral manifestation, but also things like cerebral palsy, leukemia, cancer, Fragile-X, Downs Syndrome, etc. I find myself wondering tonight if, because of Nik’s multiplicity of overlapping, sometimes, intertwining diagnoses and conditions, I don’t discipline him enough (I don’t mean punishment!). Do I make unnecessary allowances for his physical limitations, or for his inability to express himself? Do I make assumptions about what he is or is not trying to express through his behavior? Do I “baby” him too much in my attempts to keep that peaceful, easygoing spirit of his ever present? Do I do these things consciously or unconsciously? Out of guilt? Out of fear?
I don’t have any answers yet — just lots of questions to ruminate upon over the coming days. Opportunities for me to take a step back and look at my parenting style. Not so much to change it in any global sense but to decipher the roots of my reluctance to (my inability to?) see my son as capable of handling the discipline of a typical childhood.
How do you discipline your children with special needs? Do you treat them differently than any of your other children? If so, why? If not, was it always that way? What prompted the change? What have you done with your exceptional child/ren that has worked? What works/ed for different age ranges?
I think there’s a kernel of a great parenting book in there somewhere…just give me credit for the idea, ok? I’m too busy learning how to parent my son right now…
Dear Niksmom,
I have twin boys born 15 weeks early with developmental delays. My husband and I have often disagreed on how to discipline the boys – he feels I am too tough, I feel he is not tough enough.
A lot of what this boils down to is how much we believe the boys understand…
I believe their receptive language skills are excellent – they can follow complex commands and seem to pick up new words very quickly (following speech therapy). My husband sees them as still being babies (they are almost 3 years old) and just “being boys”.
After having a lot of contact with children with ongoing health issues (in my role as a nurse), I have come to the opinion that some parents (quite understandably) indulge and spoil these children. This can result in a child who is not particularly liked or is unable to interact with others in a pleasant manner. It also can cause resentment in siblings.
But the balancing act of parenting is so difficult isn’t it? How to protect and nurture our children, while preparing them to be the best members of society they are capable of being…
I don’t know what the answers are, but when you release that book put me down for a copy!
Hugs,
Lisa
mum to Mitch & Harry
Well…you bring up a lot of good questions. I realize that I could write a book here in the comments. sorry. Perhaps I’ll send you an email, as well. Let’s just say that the heart of it, for me, for us, continues to fall into that bit I wrote.
It’s not about taking on the world. The world can only bend so much to accommodate my son. To assume that the world will welcome him and excuse unacceptable behavior because he has differences is doing him a great disservice.
It is about teaching him to find his way.
I am finding, however, this is easier to do with a five year old than a two year old, but I imagine ANY parent would agree with that.
Discipline is about teaching, not punishing. I think that is the key. For us, it’s about how there are some things we HAVE to do and there are some things we get to do. It’s about helping him learn to see the difference.
It’s not easy. But I think it’s wrong (at least in our case) to assume that we can make allowances because he has issues and challenges that other kids don’t have.
Every kid has something. My sister’s son is reeling from his parent’s messy divorce. Does that mean we should excuse his inappropriate behavior? My neighbor’s daughter is not happy about the arrival of her baby sister. Should we allow her to throw toys across the room in frustration?
I KNOW it’s not the same, but the lines do begin to blur, don’t they?
Kristen, Lisa–I think you both hit on it. The lines DO get so blurry when there seems to be a question about cognition. I see it happening at school with Nik. Thank God for his teacher, Ms. J., who “gets” him and isn’t afraid to push him and demand “better” of him. I find that I am the one in our household who may not be tough enough! LOL.
The frustration comes in with trying to figure out how to teach my three year old who doesn’t attend very well? I am *hoping* we get some better sensory support at school as I suspect he will make better/more consistent progress when he is better able to attend/better regulated.
Yes, yes– I can very much relate to all the questions you bring up here.
-I learned from a friend (who learned from the caregivers at daycare) that it is often healthy to let a kid have a tantrum- get the angry feelings out- as long as they are not harming themselves or anyone else.
-I baby Henry way too much, for all the reasons you’ve stated. I learned how to diffuse situations before they might upset him, and only very recently have started being stern with him when he is perseverating. When I’ve already told him no, for example, he can’t get on the computer this morning, and then he continues to make the same request 12 more times…
-Henry has learned more from this year’s swimming teacher than in the 3 previous years. She is very strict with him. I am trying to learn from that example, but it may be too late. I have already set the standard for soft-touch mommy.
Lots of food for thought!
I think that you can break the issue into a few pieces:
1. Completely inappropriate behavior needs to have age-appropriate consequences. For example, if a child hits another child, a consequence is necessary.
2. Tantrums are not completely inappropriate for a 2-3 year old. However, they are not desirable, and we don’t want to reward a tantrum. A reasonable approach is indeed to let the tantrum run itself out, rather than give in to the tantrum.
3. At the same time, for all children, but especially for very young children with sensory issues or language issues who have so many stressors already, prevention is a good idea. You don’t want to be fighting all day.
The old adage “pick your battles” applies. I might agree to a request if my son’s desire seems both reasonable and much greater than my initial objection to the idea. I might even change my mind *as long as* his second request continues to be made appropriately. There’s no sense in provoking a battle over a small thing; there are always plenty of “real” learning opportunities. He learns that if he asks properly and presents a reasonable case, that adults will respond to that appropriate behavior. I will even point out to him that I gave him “X” even though I initially said no, because he asked properly and I decided that it was reasonable. He tends to be very rigid; I can model flexibility without spoiling him. There’s a big difference between changing my mind calmly and early and caving in to endless whining or a tantrum.
Here’s another example on prevention: If transitions tend to lead to tantrums, then it is a good idea to prepare for transitions using a variation on the 5 minute warning. If a young child craves consistency and routine, I don’t think it’s fair to stress the child by denying that consistency and then to punish the child for not be able to handle the stress. We take small steps first. Last year we made daily written schedules, so my son knew what was on the agenda. He knew that the schedule was not completely set in stone, but he had a good idea of what to expect and when to expect it. He could prepare himself, which greatly improved compliance with the transitions. If we needed to make a change in the schedule, we would give him as much warning as we could. Now at age 8, he will negotiate when and how to plan his day.
You could get lots of long comments to this request! I guess part of my strategy is to reduce stress on my son to a point where he can learn to manage the stress. This cuts down on tantrums, and it cuts down on the need to manage tantrums. As he gets older, he learns to handle increasingly stressful situations, and he also learns how to reduce the stress load for himself.