“I think we all feel like that, sometimes: forgetting that we have exactly what we need already within ourselves, if we can just believe in it.”
Those words, about courage, from Jennifer’s post today on Pinwheels really struck a chord with me tonight. It’s been a very trying few days here in NiksHouse. I feel like the dang centipede is tossing its shoes again. The up and down, back and forth of emotions and activities is exhausting. In spite of my working out regularly and trying to eat healthfully, I just feel like Dorothy must have felt in the poppy field. I simply want to lie down and sleep and let it all go on without me.
But I cannot. I guess that’s the cost of trying to be a good mother —no, of BEING a good mother. There isn’t much rest or respite and we have to take it where and when we can find it. I find mine online with you all. I’ve been jonesing to write for the past couple of days but haven’t been able to find the time. Now, it feels like I need to cram a lifetime into one post. Sigh… Did I mention that there are some incredible moms out there who simply must have ESP? I’ve gotten some wonderful emails from a few of you…just checking up on me. It means the world to me. More than you know right now. I may not answer each comment or email but PLEASE know that they have all touched me in the heart.
So I’ll start with the easy stuff first — Nik is having surgery Friday to remove the tube from his right ear. We have no idea if it will make any difference but we sure hope so! The episodes of rubbing and crying are increasing in frequency. Poor guy took THREE HOURS last night to cry himself to sleep. Nothing Niksdad or I did seemed to help at all. It was the tug-of-war with our hearts —the frantic cries and clutching at us for comfort, coupled with the pushing away because Nik was so tired and just wanted to sleep. Unfortunately, we couldn’t give him any Advil to help him make it through the night —too close to surgery. (Anti-inflammatories thin the blood…not good before surgery!)
We survived the bumpy night and made it through the way-longer-than-it-ever-should-have-been pre-op appointment today. Nik must have remembered last weeks’ EEG (I didn’t write about it…it was awful!) where he had to be strapped onto a papoose board and restrained for nearly an hour. (I cried when he finally passed out from exhaustion.) He had THREE major meltdowns in a two hour span while we were at the appointment today. Nothing I could do to help him except try to distract him from the nurses in their scrubs. Who knew “white coat syndrome” could start so young?
Back home for lunch, the rest of the day went great. Off to see Miss D and Miss T —our new favorite therapists. Nik is doing so much better and really making some wonderful progress. I could probably write several posts about that by itself. Suffice to say; lots of good things are happening in terms of his attention span, starting to play appropriately with some toys (instead of throwing everything), more social interactions, generally a bit calmer. You know, only Energizer Bunny to the 3rd degree or so.! Nik is communicating a bit more using some hand-over-hand gestures to put our hands where he wants them. For example, he is a smarty-pants and can buckle the lap belt on his chair, his stroller, you name it…but he cannot always open them. His new favorite game is “I buckle, Mommy unbuckles;” he clues me in to the fact it’s time to play by guiding my hands to the buckle —and wont’ let go until I’ve done my part, repeatedly! He is beginning to respond appropriately to things like laughter. He has the greatest little giggle.
So I’ve been having such a wonderful time thinking of all the fun Nik and I are going to have when he’s not in school this fall. Not that I had any specific things planned, mind you. It’s just the sense of freedom and relief since we made the decision to take Nik out of school. I was in the craft store the other day and walked past all kinds of finger paint supplies and fat crayons and play dough…and I had to stop myself from buying it all on the spot! I realized that being able to work with Nik at home will help fill some of my own need to do creative things. It might not look quite like I imagined, but —really —it’s the act of creating that is so crucial and that I have missed so much lately. I was getting really excited about home schooling.
Then the shoe dropped. Without getting into the details, Nik’s only insurance is Medicaid. For which we have been incredibly grateful; they’ve covered everything that we’ve needed so far. Until now.
Miss K, the admin at our therapists’ office, told me yesterday that they had gotten approval for only a limited number of weeks. Not a big deal; it’s easy enough to get new prescriptions/referrals every so often. The kicker, though, was the note on the bottom of the authorization form “…then transition to school.” I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut with steel-toed boots. Not the sharp stab of immediate pain, but the dull ache which builds and builds. By the time I got home with Nik, I was in a state of near hysteria. I held it together long enough to give Nik his lunch and get him down for a nap. Then. I. Lost. It.
I pulled myself together after Niksdad and I talked about it. We decided not to get too upset —well, a little is good —until we checked it out with the insurance. Maybe we misunderstood. Uh, no, apparently not. I talked to someone from Medicaid today and explained the situation and that we had not intended for Nik to return to school because he had not made any progress. The response I got was “Once a child turns three, it is the school district’s responsibility.” Ohhhhhh Kaaaaaaayyyyy.
So here I am with a 3 ½ year old who functions, for the most part, like a 9-15 month old —with some amazingly age- or near-age-appropriate scatter skills —with concomitant medical issues whom no one wants to take responsibility for providing the necessary and appropriate services. School says it medical; Medicaid says it’s educational. Mama says its bullshit!
Niksdad and I both agree that school is not the place for Nik. In the year he has been there —receiving his “30 sessions per year…minimum 15 minutes group, consultative, or individual…” in each of his services — Nik has made NO MEASURABLE PROGRESS. Now, I don’t say that to be dramatic. We have evaluations done by different professionals at different times throughout the year —including the recent evaluations done by the new OT, PT, and SLP. Every single one of them puts Nik at exactly the same age equivalent as the other reports. NO MEASURABLE PROGRESS.
Now, Nik has certainly made some progress, most of it very recently, but he continues to fall further and further behind his peers. This child whom every professional that has worked with him acknowledges is “incredibly smart,” “Very determined,” “a great problem solver” among many other things. How is it possible that this child then has not progressed? I guarantee it’s not for want of Nik’s trying!
So now we are in a holding pattern. In some bizarre turn of serendipity, I did not send the letter to school yet to withdraw Nik. Whew! I’ve gotten past the feeling of being kicked in the gut but not past the anger or frustration; I will need both to fuel me when I want to quit because I am tired.
I’ve reached out to some parents I know in my area who are very good advocates. Both have children with special needs who are significantly older — 18 and 22 — and both advocate for other children through advisory councils and through the child welfare system. I am hopeful that one or both of them can give us some guidance about our next steps. I am also looking in to finding an attorney should the need arise.
So here I sit, preparing for yet another of Nik’s surgeries. Oddly enough, it’s barely even registering on the anxiety scale. I don’t know if that’s because we are truly relaxed and know that Nik will come through with flying colors, or if it’s because I am so wound up about the school/insurance conflict. Whichever it is, we’ll take all the prayers, good karma, love, hugs, and laughter we could get about now. Our well feels a little dry.
Courage Under Fire
August 14, 2007 by Niksmom