NOT ME.
Tonight we went to dinner at a local restaurant —a new place for us that we’ve heard some mixed reviews about. We figured it was early enough in the evening that we would be ahead of the crowds and Nik could have an enjoyable time with us —licking foods from our fingers and utensils and feeling like he was completely a part of the “normal” family dining experience.
What a freaking disaster! As soon as we walked in the door, I knew it wasn’t going to be the stellar experience we were hoping for. The hostess didn’t seem to quite grasp the concept of two adults plus a wheelchair. Yes, that’s right, I said a wheelchair. When we dine out we have to take Nik’s special seating system which can be a bit cumbersome. For some reason all the dumbass high school girls working the hostess duties at every restaurant we go to assume that Nik will sit in a high chair —this despite the fact that he is being pushed in a pseudo-stroller the size of a freaking Cadillac El Dorado and I say “No high chair; he won’t sit in one and we need room for his wheelchair.”
So, here we are tonight at the Texas Roadhouse, with Nik and all his gear in tow and the hostess wants to stop and tell us all about how we can pick our own steaks from the display or order from the menu. Nik is practically climbing over Niksdad’s head at this point and I just said, perhaps a little more curtly than I should have, “We just want to get settled in at a table.”
So little miss hostess huffs and walks on, leading us to the very back of the restaurant.. She gives us a table in the middle of the small, cramped room —the perfect location for Nik to do the most damage possible as people are walking past. OK.
As Niksdad and I start to settle in and unpack Nik’s pump and feeding stuff, Nik decides to be Super Baby and tips the table over. Yes, that’s right. I caught it just before the plates went crashing to the floor. Not a single server lifted a finger to help. Yes, indeed, I’m loving this restaurant experience.
But back to the mother of the year thing—
Here Nik’s been ill for weeks and we finally start to get a handle on things; that should have been our first clue that it was a bad decision. We decided to try tonight because Nik was having a pretty good day. Until we got to the restaurant; the noise and the music and the lights are just so overwhelming. Up to this point, Nik has been playing happily and placidly most of the day. Toy throwing has been almost non-existent and he’s been very engaged and making lots of eye contact with me.
As soon as we got settled in and Nik tipped the table, it was all down hill from there. The toy we brought tonight which normally can keep him enthralled for 20-30 minutes? Tossed within the first 3o seconds. Ditto everything he could possibly reach on the table. Fortunately, it wasn’t much, but he sure tried!
Sitting across from Nik, I watched him get all “spectrummy” as I call it; he was in his own little world, grunting, squeaking, waving his hands and turning his head back and forth very rapidly. Little response or acknowedgment of anyone else around him and no eye contact at all. All the things he used to do so consistently just a few weeks ago. Before we took him out of school, Nik would come home so overwhelmed and sensory-overloaded that he couldn’t function. That is what I saw tonight and it broke my heart. It took every ounce of strength I had to not break down and cry in the middle of the restaurant.
It didn’t help that we were surrounded by other tables with couples looking on. Every once in a while I glanced up and could see some odd looks directed Nik’s way. I’m sure the people didn’t realize they were being rude or hurtful but goddammit it got under my skin in a way it hasn’t in a very long time. Maybe it was my own projection, but it felt like they were judging Nik and finding him lacking or odd or weird. It hurts and it makes me angry and sad.
I’m trying so hard to work with Nik every single day now; to spend time getting down on the floor with him and engaging him as much as possible. And it’s been working pretty well. But tonight reminded me of how fragile it all feels. How quickly the thread can unravel from the tapestry we are weaving together. I am anxious that tomorrow will be a challenging day for us both —me because I will be watching for telltale signs of regression or detachment; Nik because he may be exhausted after tonight’s overload. I truly haven’t seen him like this in so many weeks. Possibly since the end of summer school in late July.
To add insult to injury —the food was mediocre and over priced.
look, i see that you don’t swear on your blog so i’m going to respect that and not let them slip from my lips but reading this made me so ANGRY at those flippin’ waitresses and hostesses for their ineptitude and insensitivity! i’m so sorry you all had such a stressful time! my god, i wish i could come over and serve you a big steamy cup of tea, do your dishes, relieve the stress.
hang on. tomorrow may be fine. really. Nik is resilent. the growth is real. it won’t slip away. i promise.
kyra’s right. Tomorrow will be fine. And none of will ever step foot in a Texas Roadhouse again.
none of US will ever step foot in a Texas Roadhouse again. Geez. Here I am trying to make a big point and I botch it up with a typo. oops.
I can relate to being scared by regressions. –we’ve had some doosies. Sometimes the boys make the most progress when I’ve been doing the least one on one time, which is weird, but also kind of reassuring.
One of my boys has developed a new habit of literally foaming at the mouth (a stim type of thing). And he does it all the time right now. We get weird looks, and I act like it’s totally normal, hoping the staring people will feel ashamed of themselves.
Sorry you had such a frustrating evening. Boycotting TX Roadhouse would be a pleasure!
I’m sorry. It really does sound like the restaurant staff sucked and I will willingly join in the boycott.
But also keep in mind that you have had a STRESSFUL couple of weeks (on top of the past years). Tomorrow this might not seem as bad.
Besides, Nik’s behavior might have fed off of the nastiness of the wait staff or your frustration with them? Who knows.
Either way, you have been working your bottom off and it is exhausting being his mom AND therapist. You are all bound to get overloaded sometimes!
Tomorrow you will pick yourself and carry on like the SuperMom you are!
By the way, I hope you didn’t tip.
It must have been total sensory overload—for everyone! The main thing is that you got through it (we would have left after the table tipping, I think!) and you’re back home—another adventure, I like to say to myself (all right, misadventure). We’ve had thrown food all over the place and once Charlie threw a huge porcelain plate in a diner, conveniently caught by Jim before whanging into another customer.
And take care of yourself! Hope you have a nice bottle of wine (a good bottle) or some such—and sometimes a good cry is in order.
And cross that restaurant off the list! We did take-out tonight—sometimes it’s just best to enjoy the food within the comfort of home safe home.
Oh honey. People can be such idiots. Here’s what I think: good for you for trying. This one didn’t work, but you WILL have a good experience another time, somewhere else. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t extrapolate it into forever. I know that feeling in the pit of the stomach. Just take it easy tomorrow, don’t put too many demands on him or you, and you’ll be okay. He’ll keep surprising you.
Texas Roadhouse: no-go. Got it.
Take tomorrow really easy. Do stuff you know are favored, quiet activities. Lots of dep breaths. It’ll be great. (Whenever we have one of these, we watch a lot of Little Bear the next day…)
We had a problem kind of like this- no consideration for disability- at an OutBack Steakhouse. We wrote the store owner, and we shot a letter to OutBack. We were offered a free meal personally attended by said owner. We took a while to decide to take them up on it, and spent a lot of time explaining what we needed and why we needed it. Apparently the message got through, because several of our friends now go there regularly, as the staff is now very accomodating. (We don’t go in anymore- its too expensive and too noisy for our other little guy).
Bubbie,
Oy. I’m sighing for you over here. I’m tired just thinking about it. And I’m infuriated at the wait staff. Our peeps – we’re a team. Not a single one of us would EVER look askance at a special needs child, or let a poor parent go without aid. I look at it this way; they haven’t been trained. They don’t know what we know; the work, the exhaustion, the consuming force that our children’s needs demands.
Those NT’s. They just don’t know any better. Maybe, just maybe, one of them went home after the dining experience and thought about you, about Nik and wondered, “Maybe I could have handled that differently. Maybe I could have helped them pick something up or offered our table or at least goddamn SMILED.”
And yeah. What Kyra says? The progress is real. Totally.
Oh yes. And another thing. You ARE mother of the year. You ARE.
I’ll bet every single one of us out here will stand for you and light a candle and wave our arms into the sky and attest to the fact that you are a great mother.
I admire your stick-to-it-iveness for making it all the way through dinner! Isn’t it amazing how an apparently good idea can go so bad so fast? You sit there looking at each other as if to say ‘what in the world were we thinking?’ and then time drags on like molasses dripping from a jar.
So sorry it was such a bad night – hopefully the weekend will be better!
I’m so sorry. We went through a long stretch of time when resturant visits were pretty much out of the question. We still don’t try it very often. Bud’s a take-out kid.
I know that those moments can grow in your mind and overshadow everything else, becoming the spectres of things to come, but, really, they are just moments – terrible, overwhelming, discouraging moments, but moments, nonetheless.
Why do people make it harder than it already is.
I think you are a brillient mum, so dont be put off!
You’ve given me an idea: special needs restaurants. We haven’t had a meal with Evan since we were in Hawaii four years ago and he started slapping up a storm and everyone looked at us and my inane sister in law and niece pretended it wasn’t happening and when I got my food the egg in my oyaku jyu was RAW and when I complained they all looked at me like I was stupid and said, “that’s how it’s served” and I said, “well, to me it’s inedible. I won’t eat a raw egg. I’ll get sick.” And I promptly whisked my son out of there and I haven’t been back to Hawaii since. Nor have we even tried being in a restaurant with Evan.
I hate the restaurant experience. I wish you luck next time. Me, I stick to dates with my man. Poor you, poor Nik and poor Niksdad.
Kyra – ROFLMAO! I swear like a sailor but I clean it up for online to (a) avoid offending some of my more sedate readers (b/c I like them and want them to stick around!) and (b) avoid getting picked up by search engines when some sicko is surfing for smut!
I love you guys! Seriously, the boycott? You’re awesome.
I think it’s always a loaded gun when we dine out. We’ve had some good experiences at Applebee’s but I think that’s because we’ve been there a lot and they recognize us. It’s a bit quieter and smaller than the Roadhouse so the acoustics don’k overwhelm Nik. ANd they also have stuff on the menu that I can order and offer Nik tastes of —especially the side of fruit that comes with the WW meals. He LOVES pineapple!
Today is a low-key day for us after all. Nik is a bit dysregulated but some of that may also be from the fact that he’s been running this low-grade fever for weeks. It just saps his energy.
Thanks for all the kind and encouraging words; I know you are right that it’s but a moment in time and “This too shall pass.”
I love you for trying. I would have tried, too. Nik needed a night out, your husband did, you did. It’s only in hindsight that everything becomes clear, no? We would have done exactly the same thing as you did.
I love all the comments. Every one of them is true. Nik was overwhelmed, as were you, he probably was picking up on the whole, horrible vibe. I’ve really begun noticing how awful some environments are, lately. I’ve also begun noticing some really terrific ones, too. I call it my map, the one I carry in my head with the “safe zones” and the “no fly zones.” I don’t know what this says about me (maybe I’m just an avoider?) but it might explain why I can’t ever find my grocery list…I have a lot on my mind!!!
So. Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with Nik. And if you never eat out again, or if you go next week, well no one knows better than you. Because, like the others have said, you ARE the mother of the year and Nik is lucky to have you.
Ignoramuses do not help, do they?
It always seems to me that the progress goes forward and back. If we get a lot of forward, I almost feel like we are owed some back. But it’s like the temperatures in spring. Just because one day is cold, doesn’t mean that it isn’t getting warmer.
Yes, VAB, you are right. It does seem to be an intricae dance of forward and back. So hard to remember in the moment, sometimes.
Jennifer,I’ve missed you! Thanks. I needed that cyber hug. xo
When we go out which isn’t often. I pray that I get to eat in peace.
Going out seems to be an adventure.
Hope tomorrow is better
It also seems like there are so few people who are willing to help out someone in need. They should have at least come over with the fallen table.
I’m just catching up on posts now … sorry to hear about your miserable experience last night.
We also went through a long period of time when we just couldn’t take SB to restaurants. Things have improved but the stars still need to be aligned JUST SO (good acoustics, go very early, etc. etc.)for the experience to be worth it.
When I read your posts, I am in awe of your strength and patience. I don’t even know you and I’m guessing there aren’t too many contenders better suited to win Mother of the Year.
I know at our house a really bad day is often followed by a good one … I hope this was true in your case as well.
Oh, I hate this
. Like having your child throw things, toss tables, be overwhelmed and scared and (in our case most often) scream like someone’s killing her isn’t stressful enough, we get people staring at us making things that much worse. Being the parent of a special needs child is such a lonely experience as is, this kind of experience always feels to me like a nasty reminder.
I hope he feels better today.
I will never go to Texas Roadhouse, what jerks!
I bet Nik what picking up some bad vibes from that place and it sent him into overload.
Hope he’s feeling better today.
Hugs to you and Nik.
I will never go to Texas Roadhouse, what jerks!
I bet Nik what picking up some bad vibes from that place and it sent him into overload.
Hope he’s feeling better today.
Hugs to you and Nik.
ooh! lots of comments!
I’m sorry – I will boycott Texas Roadhouse which is easy because there aren’t any in Seattle
I’m not sure where you linked up your willingness to take a risk to go to a restaurant – after all, all the signs pointed to a good dinner out – with your lack of being mother of the year (I know, you were being tongue in cheek). Hell, you take risks ALL the time, sweet mama, and you should be commended for that! I think Nik was just letting you know what he needed. We’ve definitely left restaurants before if we thought it was going south, and have never regretted it. So don’t be afraid to leave if you’re getting some serious red flags. You ROCK! June f-ing cleaver couldn’t have handled our situations!
XO Redheadmomma
Sorry about what happened. I do think they could have done a lot better, especially with seating you guys. It is sad, sad, sad that you go out and spend $30 to $40 on a meal and get treated like you don’t matter. CRAZY.
Hopefully Nik is feeling okay now.