Valentine’s Day. A time for romance, for hearts and flowers, extravagant gestures of undying love and devotion. A time to really show your loved ones how much they mean to you. This year, I say skip the candy and jewelry, the flowers and dinners. Instead, do something lasting and truly meaningful…create your living will as part of your advance directives for medical care.
Yes, I did just suggest you sit down and write down your wishes should you become incapacitated to the point that you are unable to make your wishes known while in the hospital in the middle of a life-altering, potentially life-threatening crisis. If you want to show your loved ones how much they matter to you, do something now to prevent them from ever having to fight the medical establishment to honor your wishes.
What prompted this unorthodox —and unromantic—declaration from me today? My sister and her in-laws are, this very minute, in a meeting with hospital officials to discuss the possible fate of their youngest family member. He’s forty, perhaps not the picture of perfect fitness and health and, certainly, a man living with personal demons. Who among us isn’t, really? This man is also a beloved brother, son, uncle, friend to many. He is sweet and gentle-natured and has been known to give away his money, his possessions, his time to those in need. He has a reputation for putting others before him.
Friday morning, this man was found unconscious in his home and was rushed to the hospital. No one knows exactly what happened except that he is now in a coma fighting for his life. He suffered massive internal bleeding, is on the verge of multiple organ failure, and has questionable brain function beyond pure brain stem activity (which allows one to breathe). If he survives, he may never be the man his family and friends knew.
Because he did not have a living will or advance directives indicating his wishes for care, the hospital must do absolutely everything in their power to try to keep this person alive —significant amounts of blood and plasma, tests and procedures, mechanical ventilation, mechanical feeding, medications, intensive care facilities, respiratory therapists…and on and on. The hospital’s efforts are contrary to the family’s wishes; the grief and shock the family is experiencing is beyond awful as they must watch and wait. Hoping and praying that his damaged body will let go on its own.
Let me be clear; the doctors all agree that this man’s life will never be the same. He will be alive but may be in a permanent state of complete disability and utter dependence on artificial supports for nearly all bodily functions. However, the law stipulates (and the lawyers admonish heartily) that the hospital must do all it can to preserve the life of this man. Had there been an advance directive, the situation would be very different.
This situation strikes too close for comfort, I know. People don’t like to think about their mortality. Certainly, no one likes to think about the possibility that they could suffer a sudden accident or illness which would leave them unable to communicate their wishes. Take the time now, while you are healthy and able, to discuss your wishes with loved ones and to commit them to an actual legal document. It’s simple to do, though certainly not easy to think about. Niksdad and I had a lengthy discussion about this last night; it left us both raw and gave us much to think about. There are so many shades of gray and unanswerable questions; I think that is why most people avoid the topic entirely.
DON’T.
You will save a world of heartache for those you love and who love you.
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Advance directives are comprised of three elements: the living will, a medical power of attorney, and a Do Not Resuscitate order (DNR). Some states honor living wills without the need for a medical power of attorney (California does not).
The Mayo Clinic web site has a good overview of the topic here. Find out more about advance directives and the laws in your state. The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization has free forms on its web site.
Hugs to you and your family.
I’m just so, so, sorry to hear this news. I wish your family much peace amidst their immense pain & grief.
We’re covered over here with the living will business. We did this a few years back – I was okay with it until we got to the question “what is your directive if you are pregnant?” and that just blew me out of the water. But it feels GREAT to have it taken care of. I second your message heartily.
And lastly, thank you for writing, because without meaning to, you helped give me some perspective for the sh*t I’m dealing with. MUCH love to you all.
XO R
Oy – a heavy topic indeed. Love to you and the family during this unimaginably difficult time.
good reminder – I will do this – this year for sure
and beth a very happy Valentines day to you lovely friend and lovely mum
Even when you have these things in place, things can happen to take it out of your hands. DEspite my grandfather’s specific DNR order, the hospital took it upon themselves to do so, and the consequences? Let’s just say we were not plussed, and neither was my grandfather. Talk about just prolonging a lot of pain.
But when you have these things in place, the dice rolls in your favor more often than if you don’t.
Also, think hard about who will be the guardian of your children. We’re having problems identifying a back-plan for the guys right now, just in case. Talk about raw nerves!
@joeymom Exactly…So much depends on the state’s laws and what other pieces of the advance directives you have in place. And, unless there is someone willing to go to bat (playing HARDBALL) against the hospital, let’s just say many hairs end up getting split.
Oy, the guardianship issue…we keep going rounds about that one, too. No good solutions presenting themselves yet.
I am so sorry for your sister and her in-laws. What a difficult situation to be in.
Thank you for this reminder though, and the link. I’m printing out the forms right now. Fortunately we have our guardianship for our kids set up, but no living wills.
Sorry for your sister and her inlaws…such a sad situation.
We keep getting to the point of talking about this stuff, but never getting it done. The guardianship thing has me losing much sleep (more accurately, I lose sleep because of Parker, but the guardianship is on my mind a lot during those sleepless nights) Finding people you trust that will raise five children is hard. Add that it’s five children with health issues and it’s even harder. Oy, these things are never easy to talk about or make decisions on…yet one of the most important things we can do for our children…Thanks Beth, for the reminder, I need to bring it up to Kev again.
I should do that. I would never want my care to put my family in perpetual financial straights.
So sorry to hear this. Thanks for the good advice. I know we’ve talked about things but haven’t put pen to paper. It’s some hard and heavy stuff.
Hugs to you.
I am so sorry to hear that your family is experiencing such a rough time. Thank you for the reminder, we have the forms, they just need to be filled out. I will be sure we do this tonight. I also wanted to thank you for the link you posted on my blog, it definitely applies
I hardly ever comment on posts, but your blog post urged me to commend your efforts. Thanks for writing up this great read, I’ll bookmark this blog and check in every now and then. Cheers.
Great article. There’s a lot of good info here, though I did want to let you know something – I am running Ubuntu with the up-to-date beta of Firefox, and the design of your blog is kind of bizarre for me. I can read the articles, but the navigation doesn’t function so great.
Yes, hugs to you and yours.
My RSS feed didn’t update for some reason, and I’m just reading this. I’m so sorry. Prayers of peace for all of you.
If this post prompts just one person to write an advance directive and get these matters in order, then maybe … maybe … some little good, some small piece of comfort can be found in what I know was such a heartbreaking week for you and your family.
Linking to this in my next round-up of posts.
(((hugs))) always.