Ebb and Flow
November 15, 2007 by Niksmom
I take my place along the shore
And I wait for the tide
It seems I’ve passed this way before
In an earlier time
To every man the mystery
Sings a different song
He fills his page of history
Dreams his dreams and is gone
There are no names
That fit these faces
There are no lines that can define
These ancient spaces
The spirits dance across the ages
And melt into a river of souls
Dan Fogelberg “River of Souls”
None of my readers know me personally in a face-to-face way. That is one of the dualities of the internet —the freedom to reveal maybe more than I might normally reveal to my in-person acquaintances yet all the while retaining the personal boundaries of physical space and emotional proximity. The flip side of that same duality is that I don’t have the daily consistency of communication which I would have with close, intimate friends. Where those same friends and acquaintances may see more than I would sometimes wish, you —my faithful (or sometimes) readers — only get to see the bits I choose to share. It goes without saying and yet, today, I feel compelled to say it anyway.
Recent events which I have written about here
, and here
) compel me to write a disclaimer of sorts. I have not written anything that is false or deliberately misleading but I have not written the whole story
of what we are dealing with on a day to day basis. Instead, I have shone a spotlight of sorts on specific elements. These are the elements which, at the time of my writing them, were (are) the most salient to me. The most emotionally charged or intellectually weighty —in that moment.
It is absolutely true that Nik is dealing with some sort of extreme pain complex or syndrome, and that we are looking ahead to tomorrow’s MRI with some mixed emotions. Those things are very present in my mind each moment of the day. But I try not to let them consume my every waking thought and deed. I have moments of feeling desperate and expressing those sentiments but I am not so desperate that I cannot find the moments of joy in each day, the personal growth and learning (which sometimes come in unexpected moments), and always there are moments which pull me back to my “true north” of faith, hope, and belief.
Often, those moments are either too intensely personal to share with anyone or the significance of them eludes me. Sometimes, the moments happen so quickly and I think about sharing them, I really do; but by the time I have an opportunity to write about them, the intangible thing which made the moment so incredibly special is gone and cannot be recaptured. Sort of like telling a funny story to a group of friends and no one laughs; it’s that elusive sort of “I guess you had to be there” moment. Like the fleeting glimpses one may have of a deer in the forest, a rainbow during a sun-shower, or the perfect few moments of dappled sunlight that skilled photographers will sit hours waiting to capture.
Some of those moments I am able to capture and convey. Others simply happen and I keep moving. But always, there is motion and balance, emotion and thought which happen so dynamically that the tide simply carries me onward to the next large rock to which I cling and catch my breath. The rocks, the tips of the islands in the fast-moving stream —that is what you see as I regroup and recalibrate.
Those moments are not the sum of who I am and what I experience. I assume the same when I am reading someone else’s words. Like those dreadful tests and evaluations our children are subject to, they are but snapshots —snippets of life frozen in time. But they are never the full story.
That, my friends, is a long, long way from being written for any of us.