I stand watch over my fitfully sleeping son; he writhes and cries out in anguished tones though his body is not consciously awake. His eyes flit open for a moment, resting upon my hands perched on the crib rail. With a wail, he reaches out to hold my hands, pulling them to his head. He sandwiches his head between my palms, wordlessly asking me to apply pressure to make his pain go away, to make it all better.
I stand thus for nearly thirty minutes —shushing and stroking his head gently with my thumbs. The height of the crib and his position —farthest away from where I am standing —make the effort excruciating for me. My arms begin to ache and my lower back throbs in protest of this ergonomic torture.
The feel of Nik’s delicate, long fingers clasped around mine reminds me of how lucky I am to feel this physical pain. I am here to ward off the bogey men which plague his sleep; he is here, clinging fiercely to his mama —his need and his trust writ large in his now open eyes which meet mine in the dim light from the streetlamp outside.
He is here.
I weep with gratitude and guilt.
Lets hope that you can both start the week tomorrow fresh and revived.
Best wishes
Hope they all went away and Nik feels better
and you get some rest too
Is this still the after-bogeys of last week’s surgery? I’ve been wondering how Nik’s recovery was going… hang in there buddy, hang in there mama!
oh honey hang in there
Yes, here and beautiful. Thank God. Sending you guys plenty of ***HUGS*** and hope Nik is feeling better.
This is so touching it hurts. Love to you both.
hugs
Hi, stumbled onto your blog. Keep it up and you both have our support and love…
@joymama – only partly; more to do with current changes in seizure meds as we continue to increase lamictal and wean from depakene.
The bogey men, though, are really mine. I’ve been feeling a bit of survivor’s guilt, I think.
@bigbrighthead — thanks for stopping by/ 🙂
We’re all feeling the survivor’s guilt these days. All of our little ones are getting extra cuddles and strokes, that’s for sure. I’m sorry Nik’s having such a hard time, I hope things quiet down for you all very soon.
I hope Nik’s feeling better by now, and I hope that someday I’ll be able to write half as well as you did in this post.
Joe
Don’t you feel that it’s just us and our frail bodies that stand between our kids and so much—-
Hugs to Nik and all of you.
I feel the survivors guilt, too. It is hard. You wrote this so beautifully, the gratitude and sense that you can only protect so much. I hope Nik feels better soon.
I am so sorry he is in so much pain again. Sigh. I hope today he is doing better and you have been able to get some rest.
Oh, I can SO relate to what you have shared. Eventhough it’s so difficult, I’m glad that he *lets* you comfort him in that way. Hope you both can get some sleep…
wishing you lots of sleep. Thank you for the gift of your blog. XO R
Sometimes in the midst of hard times I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude as well. My son may have his issues, but I’m so glad he is my son. I’m so glad that he is here with me and that I can help him and bring comfort.
beautiful post
He is here, and he feels your love. That is a good thing. The pain will lessen, I know it will.
The guilt? We all share it. Every time I get annoyed with a child, I feel guilt. Every time I embrace a child with joy, still guilt. It cuts both ways, and it means we feel guilty for living. But I know we both have to stop that, or we won’t really be LIVING. The point of living is to embrace it. No one wants you to feel guilty for the good things. (It’s enough for me to feel guilty for when I’m being rotten!) Those who are sad don’t want you to be sad too.
I hope the pain eases today.
Hugs.
Guilt and gratitude. Parenting is tough, isn’t it? I hope you are both feeling better.
I cried when I read this post – I hope we can be such good parents to our baby when it is born.
The Broken Man
http://theblogofabrokenman.blogspot.com/