I miss him already. I miss both of them already.
Tomorrow afternoon I am embarking upon a solo journey to visit one of my oldest, dearest friends for a couple of days. She will soon be moving to Switzerland to join her husband who has already moved for a new job. It is our last chance to spend time together before Niksdad starts school soon.
I’m not going far —just north of NYC —yet I feel like I might as well be traveling to Mars. I have only been away from Nik once since he came home from the hospital and that was a cross-country house hunting trip over Easter weekend in 2005. But this trip feels different in so many ways.
Nik is older and so much more aware of what goes on around him. He’s also going through a significant period of clinging to me and of needing me in the middle of the night. I know the time away will be good for all of us. Niksdad and Nik need the time to develop new ways of being with one another beyond just being pals at play; I need the time away to just be with my friend —and maybe even get some much-needed sleep!
Still, I worry because Nik doesn’t yet understand visual calendars and schedules and he definitely doesn’t understand the concept of time. I am always here for him, with him —ungrudging and without fail. How will he handle my not being there when he cries out in the middle of the night? Will he miss my singing along with Signing Time or Mary Poppins? Niksdad, God bless him, can’t carry a tune in a bucket.
Even worse, how will I handle not seeing his impish little face for two days? Will I survive not hearing his laughter or feeling his gentle kisses as he tries to bribe me into doing or giving him something he wants? Will my hands know what to do without his delicate face to cradle in the middle of the night?
It’s going to be a looooong stretch between tomorrow afternoon and Wednesday night when I get home.
And did I mention no internet access either? Might as well cut my heart out, eh?